Crash and Burn
by journeyman3
Summary: An explanation for 'Don't'. Companion piece added.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: the characters are not mine and I make no financial profit - just a load of creative fulfillment. Thank you RTD, JB and GDL

**Crash and Burn**

When you fly by the seat of your pants, sometimes you crash and burn; only immortals walk out of flames.

Jack remembered.

"_Not much of a talker_

_Just promise me you'll never bring up anything I say to you now_

_How's that – got a deal? _

_Nothing more than a blip in time to you_

_You've already lived a thousand lives._

_One day you'll go again, just like you did before, and this time you won't be back"_

"Ianto!"

"Sir?" A quick, thankful response; the man standing at the sink was clearly relieved at the interruption. The tone of command had instantly dispelled the image he had been fixating on while making busy . Jack lying on an ITU bed, unsmiling, in a deathlike stillness; coal bright eyes staring fixedly ahead in stark contrast to the marble pallor of his face. Abbadon, again.

"Leave the cleaning, Ianto. It will still be there in the morning."

"And I'll spend the night worrying about it."

"Not all the night, I'm certain I can distract you a little?" Jack tried for a teasing tone and accompanying leer, but missed. Too much pressure to respond to the words he was under orders not to mention.

Jack watched Ianto automatically tidying up; graceful, choreographed moves. Almost tentatively he reached out, laying a hand lightly on Ianto's shoulder. Applying the smallest of pressures he turned the other man towards him, "I mean it. It can wait until morning."

Ianto stilled, contemplated and, to Jack's immense relief, folded the dishcloth, reaching back to lay it carefully by the side of the taps. Taking up a small towel Ianto dried his hands thoroughly and then looked at Jack, directly and intensely.

Jack reached for him, pulling him in; Ianto relaxed into the embrace, leaning fully against his lover - surrendering. Jack sighed and allowed his head to fall onto the other man's shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time; an odd embrace of mutual support and total trust.

Finally Ianto took a deliberate, deep breath and stepped away from Jack, turning his back on him, all the while adjusting his suit. Jack grinned at the reflex action and reached out to caress, but stilled as Ianto tensed, his whole body coming to attention. Jack waited, knowing the intensity of the day needed resolution and that it was Ianto's choice what that resolution would be.

"Gwen reckons we work because we're poles apart." Jack nodded, waiting. Ianto turned suddenly, looking intently at him, "But she's wrong." Again Jack nodded, still waiting. Taking a long, measured look, Ianto continued, "We're very alike where it matters. I say little and you talk non-stop but it's to the same purpose, see? You use words the way I use silence." Jack maintained eye contact, the absence of his signature grin speaking volumes. He waited quietly; acutely conscious that in this moment those customary roles had reversed. Ianto relaxed, decision made. He reached out to touch Jack's face gently, running his open palm down a cheek, cradling gently before bringing both hands to rest lightly on Jack's shoulders.

"Never thought I'd say this aloud, Jack, but after today, when I realised the chance might be gone, I knew I had to." Still holding Jack's gaze, Ianto smiled slightly and said calmly and with great confidence, "I love you, Jack."

Something flamed bright and hot in Jack's eyes in response and his quick, snatched breath sounded loud in the quiet of the Hub. Ianto felt the warmth of Jack's hands settle on his hips, heard the quiet sigh and watched as his eyes closed briefly. The smallest of smiles settled on Jack's face – a beautiful, very private smile, one just for him.

The silence was peaceful and Jack felt under no pressure to respond in kind, no demand to share the emotions currently flooding him. Heat and passion mingling oddly with a sense of coming home and wholeness. He saw and accepted that , in Ianto, he had found the elusive prize; someone who knew and understood him fully and loved him simply for what he truly was.

As if on cue, Ianto broke the silence, "It's OK, Jack. I needed to say the words to make it real. You don't say them because it makes it real." His gaze questioned Jack, seeking affirmation. Jack's grip tightened and almost involuntarily he leaned into Ianto, seeking support. Willingly, Ianto provided the counter-balance, "I know everything, remember? And now I know you know it too," he grinned in the boyish way that Jack loved, that caused that warm, cold, tingling wave to engulf him.

Ianto took Jack fully into his embrace, adding quietly, "Won't be saying it again, though, so you can relax." Jack pulled himself tightly into the other man; trying to say with his body what he could not voice, finally murmuring, almost too softly for Ianto to hear, "Don't say it, 'cos it hurts too much, in the end." Then more loudly, "You can say it again, though, Ianto, Welsh vowels you know?"

"Nope, it's enough. I said it, you heard. It's enough. Man of a few words, remember? And I have to say, I think my way is better." He grinned at Jack's mock indignation, "But then you're an action man, Sir."

Jack took the offered escape eagerly, "Action man, Ianto?"

Ianto's eyebrow rose, his eyes sparkled, moving away he reached out a hand to Jack, almost purring one, magical word, "Bed?"

Their coupling had been slow, sensuous and exquisitely painful in its sweetness and intensity. With every move designed to bring the other pleasure, it had built to a crescendo that neither had experienced before. It was terrifying.

Jack lay by Ianto's side, content to watch him drift off to sleep when, suddenly, the younger man's eyes opened and he sought Jack's gaze and held it intensely. "Will say it once more. I'll need to say it then." Jack's heart stopped. "I'll want to say it, then - for the last time."

"Okay," Jack replied slowly, drawing the word out, "Not just yet though, eh Yan, please?" Softly, he stroked Ianto's hair, attempting to gentle him to sleep. Ianto smiled lazily and, uncharacteristically, snuggled down into Jack's shoulder.

"Na, not for a while." A light, warm pressure on Jack's shoulder, pushing in to that soft spot, kissing it briefly, "Don't want to go, ever. It's good, 'm happy. Safe now, with you, my lifetime."

Jack allowed his hand to settle and hold Ianto tightly in place; he felt the world shifting around him and his centre of gravity moving inexorably from within him to between them. After so many solo years it was more than a little scary and, maybe, not entirely welcome or wise.

Then Ianto's warm mouth lazily licked and kissed a nipple in gentle salutation and he moved away, turning his back on Jack, he settled into his customary sprawling position. One foot reached behind him, searching, finding, and rubbing briefly up and down Jack's leg before settling. Staying close and in contact, but without crowding or smothering. Soothed, Jack knew that this was, perhaps, just what he most desired and was immeasurably lucky to have found.

Months later, Jack remembered.

'_Don't speak, save your breath_

_I love you_

_Don't_

_Thousand years, you won't remember my name_

_Yes I will. I promise, I will_

_Dont' go, don't leave me ... please'_

Jack remembered; and he ran.

Author note: this is my first published Torchwood fanfiction. It's so long after COE because the show was so difficult to watch it was some time for I could make myself view it again in order to get details right. Constructive criticism is very welcome. Thanks for reading.

Italics are quotes from the radio play 'Deadline' at the start and Children of Earth, Day Four at the end


	2. Chapter 2

Flight Plans

Ianto cherished these moments. Back wedged into the damp corner, legs spread out before him and Jack' s head lying snugly on his lap. The odd phosphorescent glow illuminating the lower levels providing sufficient light for him to watch his lover as he slept.

Jack seemed to collapse into himself during quiet, intimate moments. Rather than an exuberant sprawl over the bed, he was curled like a comma along Ianto's legs. The small smile gracing his face a shadow of his normal bonhomie grin; a precious confirmation of the trust Jack gave him.

It was rare for these times to last so long and Ianto had almost entered into a meditative state when Jack broke the silence, "Like what you see?"

"What I see," Ianto ran his hand lightly across Jack's shoulder and ghosted over a nipple.

"What I feel.." He leant down to pull the nipple gently into the warmth of his mouth.

"And what I smell." Fixing his grip lightly with his teeth, Ianto twisted to look at Jack through his eyelashes. His eyes darkened and his face softened as their eyes met and held.

Gently Ianto released his hold and swept his tongue over the nub, soothing the hurt. Smiling he whispered, "Don't forget the smell."

Jack surged towards his lover, arm hooking around Ianto's neck as he fused their mouths together. His body seemed to be trying to merge into Ianto by sheer force.

Calmly the Welshman gentled his lover with long strokes down his back, which gradually shortened until his hand was cupping the back of Jack's head, exerting pressure as a counter point to the desperate grip on his own neck. Ianto gently pushed into Jack's mouth; possessing and calming in equal measure with sure strokes of his tongue.

Jack gradually relaxed, following Ianto's lead as their tongues danced ; gentle, erotic movements that found them perfectly in tune. Ianto slowed and pulled away insistently. Jack froze and then capitulated, settling against Ianto so that the back of his head rested against his lover's shoulder. He lifted one of Ianto's hands and began playing with the fingers.

"I guess you have to?"

"Needs to be said, Jack."

"Thought we covered it all last night."

Ianto instinctively increased the pressure of his hold as his lover's body tensed.

"I need to know you that you understand it all, Jack. Truth between us, please?"

Ianto held his breath, wondering why the need to have Jack acknowledge the situation was so strong. After a long moment, Jack finally relaxed into him, unconsciously signalling acquiescence to Ianto's lead. At the same time as his hands locked in a death grip on Ianto's forearms, wrapping them around him.

"It's not going to be a long time, Jack."

"I know."

Jack smiled, lifting a hand and bestowing a kiss, nuzzling with his cheek. Love and sorrow and inevitable loss captured in one fleeting moment then locked away, denied existence by sheer force of will. Yet the silent scream accompanying that movement was so loud it shattered Ianto's soul. Gently he pulled away, forcing Jack to sit up so they were facing each other; Jack's eyes were resolutely downcast.

"It's going to be short and sweet, Jack, and you need to know," Ianto stopped, demanding Jack's attention. The silence extended until, eventually, Jack submitted, meeting Ianto's eyes, giving mute permission for him to continue.

Ianto's smile struck through Jack, lighting the room and casting darkness away, yet he lowered his head again, unable to bear the intensity of the moment. Slowly Ianto spoke; one careful, measured word at a time.

"I would not have missed it for the world."

Jack's head snapped back up, his eyes locked with Ianto's and the depth of love shown took the younger man's breath away. In an instant Ianto surrendered. Leaning forward. as Jack initiated a gentle kiss that deepened and lingered, denying Ianto escape.

Finally Jack relented, leaning back and watching him intently. Ianto raised his head and, almost in a daze, cupped Jack's cheek closely, possessively reasserting eye contact ,

"It will be alright Jack," Ianto paused, took a long breath, "It will be OK, as long as you can say," again Ianto's voice hitched and he stumbled. Jack's painful intake of breath and his tight grip on the younger man's arms steadied him. "As long as you can say I done good, it will be OK."

Jack' s whole frame shook and Ianto gripped his shoulders, holding him tightly as if trying to ground him by force. Slowly the tremors lessened and Ianto ran a hand rhythmically over Jack's hair. Jack stilled and he demanded,

"Finished now?"

Ianto grinned. Sometimes it really was like living with a petulant child, "Yep."

Jack surreptitiously wiped his eyes, "Sure?"

"Yep"

Another pause. Jack looked up. Ianto smiled, quirking his eyebrow. Jack released a breath, relaxed. Tentatively he smiled back, faltering a little as the look of mischief inside Ianto's eyes intensified; it really was time to lighten the moment.

Reaching under the mattress for the ever ready stopwatch, Ianto clicked it into play,

"One minute and counting!"

Taking Ianto's lead with much more fervour this time, Jack scrambled off the bed and headed for the ladder. Ianto shook his head; perhaps in exasperation or maybe to dispel the almost girlish squeal that accompanied his Captain's departure.

And months later Jack remembered.

"_It was good, yeah?" _Desperate eyes pleading for affirmation and forgiveness.

All Jack could push out was a strangled, "Yeah," but inside there was an agonised cry, "Yes, yes, you done good, " and all the while another voice wailed, "No, not yet, not yet. You promised!"

But the light died and he was left behind.

Jack remembered and he knew. It was all his fault. It was all too late.

He remembered - and all he could do was run.


End file.
